Elise Free
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The Free Life

Synopsis: Woman (20's, total idiot) moves from Iowa to Los Angeles to become a famous television writer. But before making it big (spoiler alert, she never does) she has a baby. That babe is diagnosed with cystic fibrosis. Two divorces, a majorly hurt ego later, Woman (now 40's, much wiser) returns to Iowa, buys a house with too much yard to raise a teenager, Corgi, two smug cats and spends most days behind this thing called a mower and another thing called a shovel but still finds time to write. Lots of plot twists, laughs, and ridiculousness ensues. 

A Typical Free Night

4/9/2021

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Picture
3:20AM: Dog needs out. Refuses to come back in and stares into the backyard like Freddy Krueger is out there, or ya know, a raccoon.

4:30AM: Mabel the cat is banging on a cupboard door trying to get into it. Clearly Freddy Krueger is in there as well and she is protecting the house, or... it's a mouse.

4:40AM: Mable has moved onto eating important documents on my desk. Yes, she eats paper. We all have our vices. I hear the loud crunch and spit from my weird girl. I get up and hide them in the cupboard that I know she will also try to get into.

5:20AM: Franny has to go out AGAIN. Could be Freddy Krueger, or could be the river water she drank the other day. Either way, I don't want to risk it. Again, she refuses to come in. I bring out lunch meat and coax her into the house. It's raining, so now I'm wet and my slippers are muddy. Freddy Krueger still looms. All the raccoons in the neighborhood laugh at us.

5:30AM: Franny jumps into the bed completely wet and before I can stop her, places her entire body on my pillow, butt facing me. Did I mention she has horrible gas?

5:30AM - 6AM: Franny continues to fart in my face, my bed is soaked, the cats play "who can bite Mommy's feet the most." Finn gets right in my face (I turned away from the dog's butt) and says loudly MEOWWWWWW! Mabel, who is now clearly not full after eating my mortgage paperwork demands breakfast loudly in the kitchen.

7AM: I hear the hacking of a hairball (not one, but two) on my bedroom rug.

8AM:I get up, make coffee and now (of course) all the pets are curled up and sleeping. Can you blame them? They had a busy night.

10:30AM: Me, looking at cute cats on the internet who need homes, thinking, "Maybe just one more."

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    Elise Free 

    Award-winning writer (and major braggart!) single mom to a teen with cystic fibrosis, Corgi obsessed fur mama and pooper scooper to two very unappreciative cats. See my "About" tab for more bragging! 
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